#2512 - Joey Diaz

“Everything came from Germany, I think. I think they were getting— Decarobalin, all that shit. I think they were getting human growth hormone from cadavers. See if that's true. Jamie, put that into our AI-sponsored perplexity. Did they used to get human growth hormone from cadavers?”

“I think they did. I think that's how they used to get it. What do you get human growth hormone from now? That's a good question. I don't know. I don't know how they do it. It's synthetic. I know it's synthetic. So it must be they isolate the molecule, they figure out how to reproduce it, and then they make it somehow.”

“I have no idea. But the way they used to do it back then, cadaver-derived human growth hormone was real used mid-1900s to 1985. It turned out to be dangerous because it sometimes transmitted prion diseases like Creutzfeldt-Jakob, and is no longer used.”

“Do you understand? Because this isn't piss. Do you understand? Every morning, I go out and take my cup of coffee, and I sit outside. I thank God, the whole fucking bullshit story. And then it takes me somewhere. After the second cup of coffee and one of these Zyns and a bong hit, your mind goes somewhere, and I think of chunks of my life.”

“That was the nuttiest improv. That improv. We would go out afterwards and have Cuban coffee and eat Cuban sandwiches at like 2 o'clock in the morning. Everything was open. We used to go to that news thing. The news stand. Yeah. Yeah. It was open till 5 and it closed for an hour. We'd always eat and tell stories.”

“Then I went on the fucking white vinegar. White vinegar. White vinegar with a fucking bottle of Gatorade on a Monday morning. Not a little vinegar. Not red wine vinegar. The real vinegar that you clean your asshole with and douche bags and all that shit.”

“Does it work? No. That's why. Let's find out if it works. The myth. Many online forums suggest mixing Serto with a large sports drink like Gatorade and drinking it a few hours before a drug urine test. The theory claims the fiber traps toxins in your digestive tract.”

“Oh, they'll go through the whole loaf. With the butter or the olive olive and the bread. You need all that. I said, I can't eat mussels no more. I love mussels. I go to Rudy's, I got some mussels. They're big. They look like a fucking chick, a six, look like a six-foot woman's clit. They're that fucking big.”

“Makes me go fucking. There was a Thai place that I used to go to in Thai LA, Thai food. And they had mussels and big fucking spicy mussels. They were huge. So good. Oh. Not the Thai place Eddie took me to the one next to the fucking 10th Planet on La Brea.”

“and it does help you with pain. If you could take aspirin, THC gummies with CBD are phenomenal for aches and pains, man. You remember Dave Foley? Yeah. Dave Foley's hand, of course you do, Dave Foley's hand was all fucked up from arthritis.”

“But no, it isn't. That's the thing. When things are gray, you get a bunch of douchebags making stuff. You know, I used to have a bit about that, about the gummy bears. Like, they're not making these gummy bears in the same labs where they're making Tylenol. They're very inconsistent. You get one of them, you swear it's 1,000 milligrams, and the other one feels like it's like 100.”

“I wonder why you can't use it for that. Like, I couldn't use any of that shit. I could only use Tylenol, whatever the fuck that is. I couldn't take ibuprofen after the surgery. No? Have you ever used DMSO? I don't know what that is, Joe. It's the shit right here.”

“You know, I used to have a bit about that, about the gummy bears. Like, they're not making these gummy bears in the same labs where they're making Tylenol. They're very inconsistent. You get one of them, you swear it's 1,000 milligrams, and the other one feels like it's like 100. They barely make sense.”

“Is that real? Yeah, yeah. They all do. They all do. That's part of the deal. They measure your heart rate, heart rate variable. Like those wearables? Like the wrist stuff? Yeah. Oh, really? So I'll tell you what I got in mind. I got… What the fuck?”

“And my skin temperature's minus one, so it texts all that shit. I… My problem with wearables is all these tattoos. So, like, this… Oh, okay. It's reading it now. This reads my heart rate. This is a Garmin. It reads my heart rate. Now it's not.”

“Let me get one of those Zyns... These are Alps. That's Tucker Carlson's one Those are good. It's six milligrams... These are threes... This is athletic nicotine.”

“I thank God, the whole fucking bullshit story. And then it takes me somewhere. After the second cup of coffee and one of these Zyns and a bong hit, your mind goes somewhere, and I think of chunks of my life. And I go, what? What the fuck was that?”

“Let me get one of those Zins. Yeah, sure. The medium ones. What are these? These are Alps. That's Tucker Carlson's one Those are good. It's six. Six milligrams. These are threes... This is athletic nicotine. That's threes. I like those.”

“Like, I can't take it to a Chinese woman. They'll lose their mind. Can you put, like, anti-fungus cream on or something? I put everything on it. It's too deep. This fungus runs deep. This is the fungus I brought back from Cuba. And it fucking pops up from time to time.”

“That's Tucker Carlson's one Those are good. It's six. Six milligrams. These are threes... This is athletic nicotine. That's threes. I like those. They don't make you jittery. Those take a hell of a hit. Tucker likes them strong. I like them. But they're fucking.”

“Not all of them are good, but a lot of them are really good. Here's another one that's really good for working out. Beta-alanine. You ever take that? No. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. Look, I take everything else. It makes you tingle, though. It makes your skin almost like itch. Like iodine. You ever take iodine? No. Iodine.”

“Like this is fucking insane. I would have never done the redo knee. I would have waited. Shot it with stem cell. BPC'd it. At that time, I was still a little fearful of needles. So I was like, ah, BPC them. Everything is you got to shoot it. You're fearful of needles but not of a knee replacement.”

“and it does help you with pain. If you could take aspirin, THC gummies with CBD are phenomenal for aches and pains, man. You remember Dave Foley? Yeah. Dave Foley's hand, of course you do, Dave Foley's hand was all fucked up from arthritis.”

“night. Because I still feel guilty, man. I'm old, but now I feel guilty about the damage. I put Boulder through fucking eight ... I mean, I got chased through the mall by security and I'm throwing fucking CDs at them. I don't know. I remember the Denver Broncos were playing Cleveland in 87, those big playoff games.”

“It's like cortisol. You're numbing it. Right. And then it keeps getting worse but you don't feel. Well, especially cortisone. With cortisone, you can only do that so many times for like joints. It can degrade tendons and stuff. Because some people, they're knuckleheads.”

“Have you ever used DMSO? It's the shit right here. You rub it on? Yeah. That's another horse tranquilizer, another horse medication. Yeah, they use it in veterinary applications, but it's really good for pain.”

“But that's a loop, you know? This was 10 loops yesterday. So thank God I had a baggie with edibles with me on the plane. I ate the edibles, and I asked the fucking flight attendant if she'd give me some ice, and that's how I got it down. Then you rub it with that Vortom shit, that liquid cocaine juice.”

“This reads my heart rate. This is a Garmin. It reads my heart rate. Now it's not. Like, it doesn't read through the tattoos very well.”

“Does it say why? That seems weird. Why? Because, like, that's what people— People use, like, ibuprofen and shit for. I wonder why you can't use it for that. Like, I couldn't use any of that shit. I could only use Tylenol, whatever the fuck that is. I couldn't take ibuprofen after the surgery. No?”

“I tortured that guy. That's hilarious. He could have sent me to prison. I still would have been in prison. But it was such a, like, first it was the iodine. And then you fucking, you know, you're supposed to take 20 milligrams. Yeah. I mean, 200, whatever. I don't know. And my skin is burning.”

“And they were like, no. Everybody was telling me, be careful with the MRSA in that hospital. Oh, MRSA's fucking terrifying. But the funny thing was, he gave me a 20 milligram oxy, which they never give you. That's a strong motherfucker. And I forgot I took it. Remember I told you. Yeah. I forgot. I'm in a Chinese restaurant yelling, Gino.”

“So yeah. But yeah, I was out of the house. You know, the pain pills were done after eight days. Then I had to bring them back for PT. They were fucking killing me after PT. So after PT, you pop one, go home, put ice on it, rub it down with the cream, and stay off it for an hour or two.”

“Yeah. This is all made up white people shit. Well, there's a few people, though, that just avoid the peanuts. But there are people that if they get peanuts, they'll die. Brett Weinstein thinks it has to do with eating peanuts right after you've been vaccinated.”

“Do they have Focus ones? Yeah. That's these, Ultras. Yeah. I do the Ultras. I don't have them in this room anymore. I was doing those after I had the surgery. Those are great. Yeah. They are pretty good. There's a bunch of really good things for your Focus. People that think it's all bullshit, like that nootropics are bullshit, you're allowed to think whatever you want.”

“thick bread? Because you got to cut the bread. Yeah. You know, I'd be like, give me some fucking white bread like a real person. Well, some wonder bread. That's what I wanted. When you're a kid, you want wonder bread. I love wonder bread. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a white. Like I'd get whole wheat. I'd be like, what is this horseshit?”

“The whoop does that? The whoop does oxygen levels?”

“Well, some Wonder Bread. That's what I wanted. When you're a kid, you want Wonder Bread.”